Where am i now?

I have not blogged here since 56 days before I left Regent Studios which probably is as good an illustration as any as the state (stasis) of mind I’ve been in since that time. It’s like there I was both merrily & unmerrily bobbing along in my life in all its ups downs & sidewayses and a great whale of the displacement wrought by the stupid greed of gentrification & neo-liberalism came & gobbled up me & all Life as I knew it. It’s not that life has been awful, I have received many blessings it just sonehow has not felt like “my life”. The last months in Regent Studios were pretty amazing, I remember that every time I started to falter & wobble with fear of what I was about to lose someone was there to catch me, to care & to understand, there was so very much love & joy & laughter & productivity. It was probably one of the loveliest & most validating times in my whole life culminating in a stupendously glorious final Drawing & Dancing society (in unit 61 anyway) & amaaaazing Leaving party. Thibaut, Victoria & Keith coming to help us pack, lovely sense of communion with Pepa, Mark, Noemie & Angi, neighbours, the neighbourhood, visits from Stu & Robert & Love & Love & Love & Love: It wasn’t just my tragedy but one felt my 100s who’d been touched by all that we/ I had created & activated in that amazing place. Victoria & Thibaut then waved me off on a magical mystery tour to figure out where next to go, I visited Ella in Wales, Rachel S. in Liverpool, Chryssa in Bristol, Rachel B & Cally in Devon, Nicole, Vinnie & Mara in Amsterdam, my car then broke down outside my mum’s house & I just stayed there, barely leaving the house for about a month until after NYE. Just before we’d left Regent studios I’d done a Tamalpa introduction course in Folkestone & there had been told about the Creative Quarter there  with accomodation & studio spaces for Artists. On the whole of my travel I had a suspicion that I would write to them and take the course. I’d long been a fan of Anna Halprin, found the weekend very nurturing & had also long wanted to live by the Sea. Just before Christmas I wrote & was immediately offered a one bed flat, which I viewed & singned the lease for 2 days later, having visited Folkestone only for the 2 days of Tamalpa, other than as a child catching ferries with my folks. I knew no-one there, but met a wonderful lady called Karen in the Vintage shop across the street the day I viewed the flat & practically everyone I spoke to told me to contact Bean, Benji & Andre at Performance space. All of these people have remained the core of my life here, people I feel incredibly at home with & value highly, I have also met a very substantial number of other people here who are great & make me happy to know but I don’t know that I have ever truly found my feet here. I do love living near the Sea, near more natural environments, I Do love the friends I have made & am very fond of many others. I now have a lovely flat with sea views & my first ever studio of my own. I work & think better here, my head is in many ways clearer, I am healthier. I have developed various collaborations & had some marvellous times. I really got a lot from the first year of Tamalpa training which culminated in making my first painting (a Giant self portrait) in 30 years & a very satisfying final ritual performance. I also made some substantial strides with the I am not a Village project, particularly with a month’s Residency at Yinka Shonibare’s Guest Projects space in April of this year. On paper my quality of life is probably higher than it was in Hackney. But my homesickness.. solastalgia.. hiraeth persist & deepen.. hugging my friends Michael & Quintina aboard the ArtsArk on the River Thames Fireworks all around on Friday night, talking of amazing times, planning future ones I was reminded of the depths of madhappiness that were so frequently mine in my old life. I have some wonderful times here, yesterday i ran stripping toward the Sea with 16 other people & Skyla the dog while Manuel photographed us, 16 other awesome & lovely people I feel included & interested by. Maybe it’s ‘cos here I’m a participant rather than prime instigater that makes it feel less magic, maybe because everything seems to have a reason or a cost, people are working at Art making rather than living an Art Life; maybe it’s the cumudgeonlyness & frequent racism of many of the local populatioon, the lack of constant stimulation from strangers that London & other cities have always provided? Maybe it’s simply the fact that I live alone & feel tremendously isolated because of it? I was beginning to feel much happier in Folkestone before I went to Tamalpa training in California this Summer though I was feeling physically & emotionally wrecked after the  amazing but gruelling I am not a Village Residency in April. The Tamalpa training really wrecked me too. Is this my… tbc




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s